2018 Update

Time flies when you are having fun! Hard to believe that almost one year has past since my last post. The past 12 months have definitely been full of testimony and personal growth...

In December 2017 I cancelled my wedding. Invitations had been sent, my dress was secured and so canceling was the hardest, most embarrassing, yet faithfilled decision I have ever made.

Being Vulnerable

My studio "casita" is a little structure behind the main house on the property. Any other day, I am easily grateful for being able to live so cheaply in one of most expensive, concentrated, hipster parts of Phoenix. But this week, I am wearied by killing ants and suffocated by all of the sprays, dusts and strips I have utilized in the process. The usual summer battle against ants trying to invade my home began this week.

Today, I realized that there are many things that can operate like ants in our lives...diminishing the purpose of a particular season we are in...distracting us from the benefits of where we are and what we are doing.  We can weary ourselves in battle with these things and still not gain much ground.

The ants in life are those annoying little things that seem to pile up when we are not looking; those stubborn stains that make you want to throw it all away; those nagging should've/could've/would'ves...

Ants remind us of how vulnerable we are because they creep in through the cracks. And one thing is for sure, we all have a few cracks.

Vulnerability happens when you are wearing your favorite sweater feeling nice and comfortable. That thing sneaks up on a conversation; suddenly giving you a choice...to be or not to be.

Ultimately, the decision on whether to be vulnerable or not is tied to our honesty, integrity and ability to set boundaries.  A decision not to be vulnerable comes with lies meant to fill in the cracks and protect. But lies never do that very well.

Being vulnerable then, is a decision to let others see you as you really are. To choose the truth with all your cracks and the ants that stand nearby...invading at times.

And yes, I am learning to live with the summer fight against ants. And to fight with gratitude that they show me where my home is most vulnerable.

I am also learning to accept that vulnerability comes with being human.

Let us bring our vulnerable selves before The Lord who searches the heart and is our only security. He is our only true protection and our one hope. Only He can uphold us!

Galatians 6:9
And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

How To Recover From Religious Whitewash (for believers only)

1) Think for yourself!
2) Never follow man made rules, regulations, traditions, conformities, etc. that are not substantiated by Biblical precepts
3) Read the Bible cover to cover at least once in your lifetime
4) Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it Holy
5) Fellowship with other believers understanding that there are wolves in sheep clothing
6. Seek The Lord alone FIRST (before seeking advice, counsel, or comfort from any man)
7) Get wisdom! Wisdom is the principle thing---not theological education, rhetoric or doctrine

My Phoenix Life: Emailing a long time friend

Amanda,

When I moved to Phoenix, my goal was to broaden my network and meet more completely new people that did not know someone who knew me. I had grown tired of the same circle of friends, family and colleagues. I didn't know it at the time but I was seeking to develop an independent identity apart from the schools I graduated from, my family reputation and the institutions I had worked. Also I had dreamed of living winter free, in a sunny place.

Needless to say moving here definitely achieved those goals. I moved here with two suitcases and not even enough money to take a cab from the airport to the law school that I decided to attend. The law school gave me a relocation scholarship which included a hotel room for my first two weeks of being here and paying my rent. I had no car for the first two years and I learned how difficult it is to be in a place where no one knows you and no one has any frame of reference for your experiences, perspectives and values.

Phoenix is not an easy city, but it is manageable. The culture is extremely conservative, very white "American" with very little international exposure. On the other hand, people here are hard working, genuine, relaxed and generous. What I mean by "very white American" is that black culture or any other ethnic culture does not have a root here in Phoenix. There are very few cultural events (and the ones that do happen are not usually well done or well attended), very few venues for cultural based products or food and there is no exclusive gathering place where black culture (or any other ethnic culture) is promoted. 

I have lived here for 6 years now and for the first 4 years, I wasn't sure if I was going to stay here or not. Now I love it and I am in the process of owning a home here. 

The first year and a half was all about law school. I made very valuable friends there who are still a great network for me.  When I dropped out of law school, I joined AmeriCorps and I was able to work and live here for a second year, I also financed my first car. 

Year three was rough. I was evicted out of my apartment and I found myself unable to qualify for a new one. The Lord opened people's hearts and near strangers became friends who let me live with them rent free while I payed off debts. During this time I gave away, threw away or sold almost everything I had. I moved about 7x that year to different friends houses. The Lord also blessed me to travel to Kenya and Uganda that year. 

Year four, The Lord began to restore me. Because I had lost so much I was empty and tired. I was able to move into another apartment (where I am living today) and I had found a great job. But after working there for two months the company declared bankruptcy and we were all fired with no notice. I considered moving back to Chicago at that point because I knew that I could not go through another round of homelessness. Somehow, The Lord provided. I remember when I filed my taxes that year I had 12 different W2's from all the different jobs I had worked just trying to make ends meet. I also took classes at a community college in order to gain more work related skills. 

Year five, I financed a new car. I became confident in my ability to work and pay bills. I  also became determined to work and pay bills. I learned how to budget and became comfortable living within my means. 

January 2017 was the start of year six. For the first time in my life I am saving. I am secure. I have friends and a sense of community here and I am happy. 

Although I am a believer and I have a lot of good friends who I met in church and church groups, I am not attending church anymore. My beliefs about how to worship The Lord have evolved and do not match the status quo church traditions any more. 

I enjoy living in what is considered Central Phoenix. I live in the middle of the city, about 20-30 min away from all other surrounding areas. 

I'm sure by googling you can find all kinds of official information about incomes and the job market but I wanted to share my personal experience with you. I hope it encourages you to find YOUR way! Your way can only come by discovery and putting your feet on the ground...being determined to move forward, being creative in your approach towards life and not giving up on your goal. 

If your goal is to live in LA then be willing to give up everything you have, everything you know, everything that worked before, and everything you expect in order to achieve that goal. 

If you would have told me in January 2011 what I would go through to still be here now, I might have given up before I started. I'm glad I didn't know because I would have chosen the easier way and I would have been a weaker woman for it. 

There is a price to pay for strength. It costs your pride, your excesses, your excuses and your weaknesses. Give it all up and emerge!

Alyse

Cleaning Up, My Thought Life

Cleaning up my thought life is an ongoing process.

At 33, I AM has completely blown everything I've ever thought about Him out of the water! I have learned His true name according to the ancient Phoenician Hebrew, the truth behind many holidays that are celebrated in mainstream culture, and I have also learned to honor and keep the Ten Commandments in my life. 

These truths are clearing away much pain, undue burden and also strengthening my faith. Although The Most High is mysterious in that His thoughts and ways are higher than ours, He does allow us to understand His heart for us and for the world around us. And at times, He shows us His thoughts...

In this season I am determined to remain under the tutelage of the school master (which is the law of I AM) to train my thoughts, my heart and to bring my entire life into alignment with the purposes of The Most High.

As I become more diligent in applying the Ten Commandments and other laws in my life, I am amazed by how many believers have come into disagreement with me. 

I have been told that because believers are under grace we do not need to follow the law---not even the Ten Commandments.

I have been told that I should not follow or keep anything in the Old Testament because Christ is the New Testament. 

I have also been told that it is impossible to keep the law because no man is perfect. 

I believe that all of these are lies from the enemy that are designed to keep me in bondage to sin. And that have indeed kept me in bondage to sin for most of my life.  

I found it ironic that when I first moved to Phoenix for law school everyone admired that decision. They all thought I was smart to become adept in the study of the US legal system. No one finds it burdensome or unusual to follow the laws of man. 

But now when I say that I am studying the laws set by I AM, even believers tell me that I am making a huge mistake and leading myself to condemnation.

Praise be to I AM, that His mercies are new everyday! That He is so gracious and forgiving to allow us time to get our lives in line with His ways. Because of the mercy that He extends toward me, I am able to extend it toward others.

Scripture For Meditation: 

Matthew 5:17-19 AMP

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished. Therefore whoever relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven."

Selah

Cleaning Up, My Home

These days, The Lord has been calling me to clean up my home, my thought life and my financial life.

It took years for me to realize how these are all connected but one day in prayer I heard The Lord say "disobedience is poverty" and revelation came. 

My Home

I have been living in a one room guest house for almost 2 years now. I live behind the main home on the property, completely surrounded by the natural and inner city elements. I only have one sink, in the bathroom. Although I have a refrigerator and a microwave, I do not have a kitchen.

When I first moved here, I had been homeless. I was working, and sleeping on my friends couches for a year until I had paid off enough debt (I had been evicted from the previous apartment) to move into this place. 

It reminded me of the studio apartment

I had lived in Chicago, 8 years prior after finishing my undergraduate education and I knew it meant that I was at least back at ground zero. 

I thought I would be here for three months and then move to a better place.

6 months went by and I felt myself relax from moving a total of seven times in the previous year. I was tired of moving and my things remained in boxes.

One year went by and my parents came to visit. They felt bad for me not having a table or a chair and we went to Walmart to get a small tray table and folding chair. My things were still in boxes.

18 months went by and I get tired of the boxes. I am frustrated that I have not moved somewhere better. I am praying that The Lord move me to a better place. He speaks to me to organize the space I am in. I make my first trip to the Container Store and discover lots of handy things to take my clothes, shoes, jewelry and make up out of boxes. It feels good to trust the space. To see my things out right in front of me again. And to throw away some boxes.

Here we are two years later, and I have stopped praying about moving. In the midst of helping an elderly friend dust her apartment after a month of sickness, The Lord gives me a vision for a piece of furniture I need for my place. The next day I see the exact piece He has shown me on sale at a second hand furniture shop and I buy it.  I was able to pull my books out of boxes and have a place to put other things. I was also able to fold away the ironing board and not use it as a table any more. I actually created more space by organizing! 

I am now down to the last three boxes. They are filled with papers to sort through and decide whether to shred or to keep for now. 

I see how I have been disobedient by not stewarding my home well and how my thought life and my financial life have also been affected. 

Scripture for Meditation:

Ephesians 2:22 (NKJV) 

"in whom you also are being built together for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit."

The Harvest is in the Seed

In September of 2013 I was being evicted from my studio apartment and I started a painting. I had purchased a very large canvas and I was excited to create my largest painting yet. 

I was able to rent a room from my friend in her townhouse and the painting moved with me. 

By mid October, the arrangement was too expensive and I moved in with an elderly lady to work as a caretaker. The painting moved with me. 

By November, I realized that the lady needed more help than I could provide. A friend allowed me to sleep on her couch and the painting moved to a storage unit with the rest of my belongings.

For Christmas, I was on a missions trip in Uganda. January 2014 I returned to America and was able to live with a former coworker. The painting remained in storage.

By April, my hostess wanted me to sacrifice my tithe in order to pay rent to her. I refused and moved to live with another friend I had met at church. The painting remained in storage.

At this point, I called my self homeless. Because of the eviction and sacrifices I had made to attend the missions trip I was in debt. Even though I was working, I wasn't making enough money to afford rent.

My friend from church began to tell me that I was not homeless. She told me that my home was with her and it was because of her speaking this into my life at that time that I took a second job so that I could give her some money. I gave her $200 a month beginning in May.

In July, I traveled to Mexico for the first time and led a team from my church on a missions trip partnering with another organization.  My job promoted me to full time from part-time and I was able to leave the second job. I began looking for an apartment. 

A friend I had met while serving in AmeriCorps asked me to be her roommate. In September I moved in with her but after one week her landlord determined that I did not qualify to move in because of the eviction. The landlord gave me one week to move out.

I fasted and prayed for five days until The Lord provided a furnished, guest house which became available for me to rent. 

Exactly one year after the eviction, I moved into another studio efficiency. I took the painting, and all of my belongings out of storage.

 Again, I was eager to complete the painting. I completed it on May 2015. I posted it up in my studio, where the sun shined all around it and it was the first thing I opened my eyes to in the morning.

In October, a friend of mine came to visit me and she commented about how heavy and strong the painting was. How much emotional weight it seemed to carry. She suggested that I pray about letting the painting go.

I removed it from its elevated place and turned it so that I was not immediately faced with it when I woke up. And I began to seek The Lord about how to let go of the painting. 

In May of 2016, I was moved to donate the painting to a local church. This particular church focuses on discipling people coming out of addiction, incarceration, poverty and homelessness; into a relationship with Jesus Christ. I have examined the fruit of this ministry and even though I belong to a different church, The Lord is undeniably present in this church and transforming people's lives through this ministry.

As I gave the painting to this church it was such a tender moment with The Lord. I realized how long I had been carrying the painting, planning for the painting, thinking about the painting, painting the painting, looking at the painting...it had become a part of me.

Out of all the time, money, clothes, food, etc. that I have given away to people this was the first time that it hurt to give. This gift came from a place deep in my heart where I had never given from before. 

As I was worshipping The Lord alone that evening, I cried and cried and cried! I poured out to Him! I look forward to partnering with The Lord again to create more beautiful paintings of testimony to His love!

Thank you Lord for your everlasting grace, mercy, love, and faithfulness. Thank you that you chose jars of clay for your marvelous light! Thank you that You are our rock, our salvation, The Truth that we can always stand on! Thank you Lord that we cannot out give you and for your promise that we will reap as we have sown. Thank you Lord for planting Your Son Jesus Christ into the earth so that I could be among Your harvest that You are yet gathering. I am in awe of You Lord!!!!! With all my heart, Alyse.