Being Vulnerable

My studio "casita" is a little structure behind the main house on the property. Any other day, I am easily grateful for being able to live so cheaply in one of most expensive, concentrated, hipster parts of Phoenix. But this week, I am wearied by killing ants and suffocated by all of the sprays, dusts and strips I have utilized in the process. The usual summer battle against ants trying to invade my home began this week.

Today, I realized that there are many things that can operate like ants in our lives...diminishing the purpose of a particular season we are in...distracting us from the benefits of where we are and what we are doing.  We can weary ourselves in battle with these things and still not gain much ground.

The ants in life are those annoying little things that seem to pile up when we are not looking; those stubborn stains that make you want to throw it all away; those nagging should've/could've/would'ves...

Ants remind us of how vulnerable we are because they creep in through the cracks. And one thing is for sure, we all have a few cracks.

Vulnerability happens when you are wearing your favorite sweater feeling nice and comfortable. That thing sneaks up on a conversation; suddenly giving you a choice...to be or not to be.

Ultimately, the decision on whether to be vulnerable or not is tied to our honesty, integrity and ability to set boundaries.  A decision not to be vulnerable comes with lies meant to fill in the cracks and protect. But lies never do that very well.

Being vulnerable then, is a decision to let others see you as you really are. To choose the truth with all your cracks and the ants that stand nearby...invading at times.

And yes, I am learning to live with the summer fight against ants. And to fight with gratitude that they show me where my home is most vulnerable.

I am also learning to accept that vulnerability comes with being human.

Let us bring our vulnerable selves before The Lord who searches the heart and is our only security. He is our only true protection and our one hope. Only He can uphold us!

Galatians 6:9
And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

How To Recover From Religious Whitewash (for believers only)

1) Think for yourself!
2) Never follow man made rules, regulations, traditions, conformities, etc. that are not substantiated by Biblical precepts
3) Read the Bible cover to cover at least once in your lifetime
4) Remember the Sabbath Day to keep it Holy
5) Fellowship with other believers understanding that there are wolves in sheep clothing
6. Seek The Lord alone FIRST (before seeking advice, counsel, or comfort from any man)
7) Get wisdom! Wisdom is the principle thing---not theological education, rhetoric or doctrine

My Phoenix Life: Emailing a long time friend

Amanda,

When I moved to Phoenix, my goal was to broaden my network and meet more completely new people that did not know someone who knew me. I had grown tired of the same circle of friends, family and colleagues. I didn't know it at the time but I was seeking to develop an independent identity apart from the schools I graduated from, my family reputation and the institutions I had worked. Also I had dreamed of living winter free, in a sunny place.

Needless to say moving here definitely achieved those goals. I moved here with two suitcases and not even enough money to take a cab from the airport to the law school that I decided to attend. The law school gave me a relocation scholarship which included a hotel room for my first two weeks of being here and paying my rent. I had no car for the first two years and I learned how difficult it is to be in a place where no one knows you and no one has any frame of reference for your experiences, perspectives and values.

Phoenix is not an easy city, but it is manageable. The culture is extremely conservative, very white "American" with very little international exposure. On the other hand, people here are hard working, genuine, relaxed and generous. What I mean by "very white American" is that black culture or any other ethnic culture does not have a root here in Phoenix. There are very few cultural events (and the ones that do happen are not usually well done or well attended), very few venues for cultural based products or food and there is no exclusive gathering place where black culture (or any other ethnic culture) is promoted. 

I have lived here for 6 years now and for the first 4 years, I wasn't sure if I was going to stay here or not. Now I love it and I am in the process of owning a home here. 

The first year and a half was all about law school. I made very valuable friends there who are still a great network for me.  When I dropped out of law school, I joined AmeriCorps and I was able to work and live here for a second year, I also financed my first car. 

Year three was rough. I was evicted out of my apartment and I found myself unable to qualify for a new one. The Lord opened people's hearts and near strangers became friends who let me live with them rent free while I payed off debts. During this time I gave away, threw away or sold almost everything I had. I moved about 7x that year to different friends houses. The Lord also blessed me to travel to Kenya and Uganda that year. 

Year four, The Lord began to restore me. Because I had lost so much I was empty and tired. I was able to move into another apartment (where I am living today) and I had found a great job. But after working there for two months the company declared bankruptcy and we were all fired with no notice. I considered moving back to Chicago at that point because I knew that I could not go through another round of homelessness. Somehow, The Lord provided. I remember when I filed my taxes that year I had 12 different W2's from all the different jobs I had worked just trying to make ends meet. I also took classes at a community college in order to gain more work related skills. 

Year five, I financed a new car. I became confident in my ability to work and pay bills. I  also became determined to work and pay bills. I learned how to budget and became comfortable living within my means. 

January 2017 was the start of year six. For the first time in my life I am saving. I am secure. I have friends and a sense of community here and I am happy. 

Although I am a believer and I have a lot of good friends who I met in church and church groups, I am not attending church anymore. My beliefs about how to worship The Lord have evolved and do not match the status quo church traditions any more. 

I enjoy living in what is considered Central Phoenix. I live in the middle of the city, about 20-30 min away from all other surrounding areas. 

I'm sure by googling you can find all kinds of official information about incomes and the job market but I wanted to share my personal experience with you. I hope it encourages you to find YOUR way! Your way can only come by discovery and putting your feet on the ground...being determined to move forward, being creative in your approach towards life and not giving up on your goal. 

If your goal is to live in LA then be willing to give up everything you have, everything you know, everything that worked before, and everything you expect in order to achieve that goal. 

If you would have told me in January 2011 what I would go through to still be here now, I might have given up before I started. I'm glad I didn't know because I would have chosen the easier way and I would have been a weaker woman for it. 

There is a price to pay for strength. It costs your pride, your excesses, your excuses and your weaknesses. Give it all up and emerge!

Alyse